I'm going to be very honest in today's blog post. I don't talk about this subject very often as I feel very alone and when I do talk about it I get upset.
I am Diabetic and when pregnant it's hard to keep under control. With Bumbly I often had low blood sugars and needed to keep a supply of chocolate and sweets for those low numbers. I even lost body fat when I was pregnant with her. My birthing experience was overall good. I went to hospital at 38 weeks to be induced. The midwives used a pessary and it worked. I was contracting. A lot! They were in top of each other. When I was checked I wasn't dilating. The decision was made to take the pessary put and try again the next day. I finally stopped contracting about 10.30pm and went to sleep. At just gone midnight I woke up with a very painful contraction. I jumped out of bed. I'm not even sure why I did that I just knew I needed to move. Straight away I had another contraction and I threw up. I sat down on the bed to see if that eased the pain and had another contraction and with that my waters broke. When I first started contracting I was screaming out. It was so so painful. But then it was a very quick labour so I imagine it was hours worth of contractions in a short time. The head midwife actually came to me and asked me to be quiet because of the other women! Once my waters broke she soon changed her tune. I was taken to the bathroom to change out of my clothes because I was covered in sick and waters. It took a long time to get changed because I just kept contracting. At one point the midwives asked if I was ok. I think they were worried I was delivering the baby haha! Anyway, once changed they took me up to the labour ward. I was given gas and air. I had a puff but I didn't like it so stopped using it. I was just getting contraction after contraction and I was offered pethedine. I jumped at the chance! I needed a rest. The doctor came and got the injection easy and my midwife said she'll just check how far dilated I am. So she looked and said "Oh I can see the head. You need to push!" And that was it. A few pushes later and she was here. 47 minutes from first contraction and she was in my arms! 12 minutes later the placenta was delivered. Bumbly was born at 1.07am and weighed 7lb5oz. She was perfect and I cried. Because she was so quick being delivered I tore badly and needed stitches so I had to go to theate. That was really hard to deal with. You've just had your beautiful baby that you ttc for 4 1/2 years and you had to be parted. It was lovely that papa got that special time with her but I hated being away from her and I missed her so much! She breastfed like a dream and was a ver positive experience. I loved being pregnant and giving birth.
Roo was a very different experience. He was conceived the first month. We were trying but very shocked as it took so long for Bumbly. The pregnancy was going fairly smoothly. Once I'd hit about 5/6 months I had scans every 2 weeks to check the growth. He was measuring big. I was huge! I was also having a lot of braxton hicks. I had a scan at 36 weeks (a Tuesday) and he was measuring off the charts. He was so big because I am Diabetic. I spoke with my consultant and he decided that the safest thing was to get him out. As I had tore badly with Bumbly he opted for a section. He wanted me to come in the next day (Wednesday) to start steroid injections ready for the section on the Friday. It was all moving very quick and I was scared. I went to hospital the next day to be told they were struggling for beds in NICU. It was just a precaution as he was going to be premature. Thursday came and still no beds. My consultant started to worry. He was ringing around other hospitals trying to find a bed but they were full to. Friday came. We had a bed for him in NICU but there was an emergency. Saturday came. There was finally a bed. He was born at 3.31pm. He was perfectly ok. He didn't need to go to NICU after all. He was fully checked over and they took a blood sample from his cord to check his thyroid (which came back fine). He was fine to come home once I had recovered enough. He breastfed amazingly from me. I had a lot of support from the midwives. I had issues with my scar. It split in 3 places and got infected.
It's been very hard. I wished so much for a natural birth like Bumbly and I grieve that so much. I still get affected by how things turned out 14 months later. I am grateful that he's here and is ok. I also cannot even think or talk about his birth without is upsetting me. I feel like a failure to Roo and myself. I hate my body (even more) because I have this huge scar. I already have a lot of scars on my body due to operations and I didn't want another one. I hate how he could have been very poorly and been in NICU. I feel like I should've done more to keep him safe. I wish that I'd had the chance to give birth to him. I tore with Bumbly because of the very fast labour so there's a good chance I could've managed a natural delivery. Or maybe a delivery with forceps. I feel I've failed him that he got so big because of my diabetes. He has slimmed down a lot now and is fine but this all haunts me every day. I know I shouldn't still be bothered by all this but I am. It gets a little easier as time goes by.
I have made it my mission that if there's a number 3 then I will have lost weight and my diabetes is amazing controlled. I would actually love to reverse my diabetes, which could happen if I lost weight. I feel that I couldn't have another baby if I want in the best possible shape. And if I am then threw a good I change I cousin have a vbac. So for the future I am feeling positive. I am making steps to feel better about what happened too.
This has been an incredibly personal post but I feel it has helped getting it all written down. Wow it is long!
Things don't always go to plan but something beautiful can come of it.
